Am I really a good person? Or do I just want to be seen as one by others, including me?
What is it like being a good person? To do what is right, or, to do what I think is right?
Ever since we are tiny, we are told not to be angry when we are. Not to cry when we do. And eventually this suppression of what you feel and say just becomes a part of our hardwired settings which has now become very difficult to alter. And I feel this is what makes me weak.
It’s true, I was never an intellectual, nor ever had an ability to put across my ideas articulately. But I go back to what I write and alter it several times.
I think it over, to make it clear in my own head. I try to be in a place more reflective. I don’t want to be preachy.
Maybe I just say all this to hide my weaknesses. My poor grammar and low vocabulary. I could at least google my spellings. But do I really want to put in the work?
Because it takes a lot of personal courage for me to appear weak in front of others.
Though accepting your weakness might be a reason for heartburn and fatigue, this is what will make me stronger. And at the end of the day I at least want to appear strong in front of others.
Sometimes I think and act like a person that ‘I’ would have liked to interact with. Like an aspirational portrait of myself. But do I want to alter what I think and do for the approval of others?
It’s like the choice I have to make at a party. Hang out at the party and get involved in that small talk about weight loss and the new app or talk about what you want to, specifically to the people you want to. About magic, death, meaning of life, what keeps me up at night, my fears and my insecurities, something that is far from the limited answers that comes from the question “Whats up?”
Because I want connect to people with the “How are you?”. And if there is some pain, or something in life that is making me weak , I’d rather talk about it. That pain has not showed up for no reason. It is a sign for me to understand and change something. This ‘understanding me’ bug does need a second opinion for its fix.